A Frog in Boiling Water

There is this theory on why it was possible for Hitler to convince an entire country to commit horrible acts against their own people. It’s the idea that a frog placed into already boiling water will jump out, but a frog placed in water that is slowly being heated will eventually burn to death.

Hitler didn’t jump into office and scream “Kill all the homosexuals and the jews!”. He got into office, created a common enemy, and slowly encouraged hatred against that enemy would ultimately lead of accepted genocide.

But why am I talking about frogs and Hitler? I’m getting there.

I was walking through campus today and realized that I’ve become sometimes so vastly different from who I used to be, that the thought sent me into a head-spin. I’m not sure when I became this cynical, judgmental, hateful, bitter version of myself, but it definitely happened, and I’m definitely sitting right in the middle of that ish.

I used to walk past people and think about everything positive they have to offer the world. I used to jump at opportunities to serve others and help out wherever it might be needed. I used to be full of joy and excitement and looking forward to the next thing. I used to (wait for it) WANT TO BE LIKE JESUS.

I have spent the last year of my life recovering from some pretty awful life-stuff, and somewhere in that process I lost sight of who I am. I’m not sure if that means I didn’t heal right, or maybe I just still have some junk to work through. I have been SO MAD at God that I stopped trying to be like Him. I stopped listening to Him. I take a moment every once-in-a-while to call Him a jerk, and then I go on with my day. The weird thing is that I figured it would come back around on it’s own. I’m mad at God, but I still expect him to do something to turn it around. I have been waiting for “the thing” that will make everything worth it. The problem with that mindset is that nothing happens except a growing bitterness in myself.

The worst part is that I thought I was doing ok. I thought that going to church again would fix my mindset. I thought just BEING in the building would change my heart. I hang out with middle schoolers and teach them about Jesus, which FOR SURE means that Jesus will show back up in my life…right? A lot of people, myself included, seem to think that doing the things will lead to a change of heart. And honestly, there are moments that it does. I have seconds of “enlightenment” where I feel like I’m back in the swing of things. I get this “spark”, and then it’s gone. This might work for some people, but it just proves to me how good I am at faking it.

As I’m typing this, I am SO ANNOYED that two FRIENDS are sitting next to me…talking. They’re TALKING about their lives and neither of them sound miserable. The nerve, right?

When did my heart get like this? How do I get my heart UN-like this? I’ve spent so much time ruining relationships, friendship and otherwise, and I’m really ready to not be like this anymore.

I miss when I got excited about things. I miss when I talked to my friends about the NOT bad things. I miss talking to Jesus without expecting anything from Him. I miss being thankful for the things happening, and not waiting for everything to be “fixed”. I’m still in pieces, and I’ve had a lot of people tell me that it’s time to be put back together. As much as that might be meant well, it doesn’t provide any of the glue I need, or even point me in the right direction.

There isn’t really a proper way to conclude this post, because the process hasn’t been finished. It was more of an attempt at being honest and reminding people that I exist even though I’m in the middle of a valley at the moment. If you’ve read this all the way through, I could probably use you in my life. ❤