For the sake of transparency, let me say that I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this. And, I’m hoping that it turns into discussions with those of you who read my blog and ask me about these sorts of things (yeah, I know who you are, I see you), so I’ll just keep typing. So, here it goes!
Walking away from the church, for me, was a slow burn. I had, like many others, a handful of negative experiences with churches, pastors, and other Christians, all leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth for the entire institution. Despite that, I continued to play the part, always hiding behind the idea that I was just “church shopping,” until I found the right fit. It wasn’t entirely untrue, but it definitely allowed me an “out” with those concerned for my spiritual well-being (shout out to my mom).
Being a Christian woman can be exhausting and traumatizing. I have had men decide that they know better than I do about my own body, opinion, rights, and just about any other aspect of human autonomy that you can think of. I have a hard time believing Christian men (and, let’s be real, Christian women) who claim to be feminists. I have a soul-level issue with a man “leading” me in my home and in my life. I have a spiritual dissonance with most ideology that comes with “living biblically”.
I understand that much of walking away from the church is me walking away from certain churches and their brand of Christian ideology. Maybe this is just me being tired of “cool churches” reminding me that being gay, cohabitating, and feminism are STILL not Biblical. I might just be looking in the wrong places. After all, I’ve had some alright experiences with some good people, and I miss the sense of community and friendship that organized religion can offer.
I have difficulty calling myself a Christian. I have difficulty not calling myself a Christian. I think Jesus would say that I’m doing OK, but I think a lot of people who believe in, and presume to speak for, Jesus would question my salvation. And I do believe that God is real, and I think I have a pretty good idea of what Jesus would want from me these days. I’m no closer to having any of the answers, but it’s nice to put some thoughts, jumbled as they may be, to electronic paper. Let’s talk about it!